Barry Bonds

I just saw that Barry Bonds, he of the mighty home run record, just got indicted for perjury and obstruction. Turns out he was taking steroids! OH MY GOD!

NO NO NO, it can’t be!
Well, I guess now professional baseball is ruined for good. No one would ever go watch a game where the athletes took steroids. We’re going to be faced with an epidemic of out of work baseball players. The stadiums can be converted to shelters to house them. And those poor ball club owners, how will they feed their families? It will be a tough time for America, but we’ll weather the storm. Maybe rugby will take baseball’s place as the national sport, or competitive ice fishing? I know, it wont be the same–ice fishing is a lot more exciting. But we’ll get through it. We’ll overcome our disappointment that the single most revered and respected figures in out nation, the ones we hold up as paragons of truth, justice, and the American way, the people we pay to hit balls with sticks, have actually done everything they could to hit those balls a little harder. Damn them, damn them to hell!

Oh, wait, that’s right! I don’t actually care what professional athletes do to make themselves more competitive. In fact, if they aren’t doing everything to get an edge, then they aren’t worth what they are getting paid. And I don’t want to watch them. Well, I don’t want to watch baseball anyway, but it holds true for all sports. Why do we balk at steroids, when it’s okay for football players to destroy their knees, okay for boxers to damage their brains, okay for nascar racers to die horrible fiery deaths, and okay for bowlers to suffer very unpleasant thumb swelling? Damned if I know. I really don’t want to watch mediocrity. If I’m interested in watching a sport (Here I should mention that I watch almost none. The only sport I watch is MMA, mixed martial arts, brutality at it’s finest. There is no pretension that it’s a game there) I want to see the best of the best, no matter how they got that way.

The problem is that some folks hold up sports figures as some sort of role model for their kids. Those people are stupid. Athletes are the opposite of role models. They should be pointed as examples of what NOT to do in real life. Most are narcissists who happily accept unearned college degrees and lack any serious impulse control. After all, they aren’t praised for their great judgment, are they? No, it’s their raw physical ability we admire. As we should. Which is why they should not be role models. They are specimens.

Let our kids role models be peacemakers, healers, scientists, artists, and teachers. And let our athletes get back to hitting balls with sticks as far as inhumanly possible.

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